Wednesday 06-11-2024 - 12:34

I Need A Break: Living Life At University Whilst Someone At Home Has Cancer.

Hi, I’m Emily and my mum has an obsession with gonks, drinks copious amounts of Vimto, has incurable bowel cancer and likes bees. I know what you’re thinking…gonks are such a random obsession to have. 

I know what you’re actually thinking: “we skipped past the whole ‘incurable bowel cancer’ thing pretty quickly.” That’s what I tend to do really, I don’t talk about it much. If I do talk about it, I tend to soften the blow with some cancer joke that I will find hilarious but that everyone else in the room will find incredibly uncomfortable. It helps me cope. 

 

But I think it’s time I talk about it. 

More specifically, what it’s like living at university whilst “it” is happening. I spent summer at home, and it was strange. My mum was in hospital for 6 weeks; we didn’t know if she’d ever be coming out to be honest, but she did and that’s all that matters. The almost daily hospital visits weren’t great, but we made do by sitting with her and watching the Olympics like we were the judges. 

Apart from that, I loved being at home. I liked being the person there with my mum all day every day. Whilst my dad and sister were at work, I could be with her and take her into town in her wheelchair (she’s not a fan of this as I nearly pushed her out of it on several occasions). I could help cook tea so she didn’t have to struggle getting up out her chair. I could be there keeping an eye on her in case anything happened. But best of all, I could spend precious time with my mum.  

 

But then I had to go back to university. 

Who was going to take her down town? Who was going to keep her company whilst she’s by herself? Who’s going to check that she’s okay? Who’s going to make sure that she doesn’t drink her body weight in Vimto? But seriously, it was scary. I didn’t want to leave. I felt guilty leaving because I knew that she was sad to see me go. I want that time with my mum, but being at university means I lose a lot of that. 

To be honest, I’m not saying everything I feel. There’s stuff which is a lot harder to admit. 

 

I like not being at home sometimes. 

I didn’t think that could be possible when I am so close with my family, and I love where I live. But I love being at university. I love being disconnected from the reality of my situation. I don’t have to watch my mum struggling to walk from the living room to the kitchen. I have my friends around me who support me and occupy my mind. I have a course which I love studying which is preparing me for a bright future. Honestly, I feel nervous to go home now. I don’t know what the atmosphere is going to be like or how my mum’s going to be.  

 

If you relate to anything I’ve just said, it’s okay. I promise that it’s okay. You’re not a bad person for feeling this way. When someone in your life has cancer, you can feel guilty for wanting to shut everything out and live your own happy life. Surely, you’d want to spend as much time with that person as possible and wallow in self-pity? But you don’t have to. 

We deserve to enjoy our lives without guilt. We have been given one of the shittiest cards that the world can deal us, so we have every right to need a break sometimes. We, of all people, should be aware of how precious life is and how important it is to live it until you can’t do anymore. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still sad. I’m still really sad. I still think about how my mum is every day and think about the time that I’m not there with her. I do still love being at home and seeing my family and not having to spend any money (I’m still a poor student after all). But I want to have a break sometimes.  I deserve a break sometimes. University is probably the best thing that could have happened to me during this time and I’m not paying 9 grand a year not to make the most of it. 

If this sounds all too familiar to you, please take this advice. Embrace every single moment of your life and never feel guilty for enjoying it. Take a break. You deserve to enjoy your life. It’s okay.