Tuesday 15-10-2024 - 11:00

To my darling baby, my dearest little seed, it was funny but I did not know that you were all I could ever need. From the moment that I knew about you, my whole mindset had changed. I was suddenly no longer at war with myself and knew that I was never to blame. That little flickering heart beat, to let Mummy and Daddy know that you were there, and for the short time that we shared everything, my mind was never elsewhere. We spoke about your future and the adventures we dreamt about, holding your tiny little clothes and shoes without a single ounce of doubt. 

We spoke about your name, and we always kissed you goodnight. We debated about whether you were a boy or girl and who would be wrong or right. My body was changing, and for the first time I did not mind, because you my darling were growing strong and to myself I knew I had to be kind. We knew how big you were, we tracked it every single day - laughing about what size fruit you would be, like it was our favourite game to play. 

Then the 8th of August came and quickly our lives once again had changed forever, because suddenly I was forced to go on a journey that I did not endeavour. Your flickering little heart beat, suddenly silent on the screen, and in that moment the world stopped for something that could not have been foreseen. ‘I’m so sorry’ the sonographer said, and I did not look her way, ‘your baby's heart has stopped beating’ and don’t you dare tell me it will be okay. I cannot face this reality, the tears streaming down my face, my little baby right in view in front of me, your life vanished without a trace. All those dreams that we had spoken about suddenly became just dreams again, all the happiness and hope we once had quickly became the most excruciating pain. I was told I would have surgery, and I told them that they would not take you from me, my darling little baby, why would they not just let us be? 

I woke up from the surgery, and I knew that you were not there because hope had disappeared and for my own health once again I did not care. I do not remember the days after that, or the activities we would do, but I do remember asking why, why the hell did it have to be you? 

I put on a brave face, for the many who did not know, and for those who saw the real me had never seen me at such a low. I blamed myself, and I was reminded that this was not true but, who else was I supposed to blame when for your short life I was the one responsible for growing you? 

We framed your scan pictures, and each night I held your first teddy bear, and every minute all I thought about was you, and I tried to envision the colour of your hair. I was angry at my body, and everyone who was around, and when I saw or heard a baby nearby, I did not make a sound. Eventually I was convinced to store away all of your things that we had bought, from baby grows to classic books pondering on all the knowledge we would have taught. 

And even though I did not meet you I really did not need to because you were mummy’s baby, and I will forever have infinite love for you. I did not get you to hold you in my arms and squeeze you oh so tight, whilst singing you the sweetest lullabies before kissing you goodnight. I did not get to show you to all the people that would have spoiled you rotten but know my baby you are known and will never be forgotten. 

My life became a double act, pretending nothing was wrong, but I could snap at any second, be that a comment or a sad song. Confused at how around me, life just seemed to carry on, then questioning why was no one else grieving, what was this some kind of con? I realised that I cannot be angry but some of their zest for life I could borrow, because if this experience taught me anything it was that we are never promised tomorrow. 

For the breaths you did not get to take, for the eyes that did not see, please my sweet baby know you will forever be part of me.